I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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