Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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