the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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