Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
