Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
