god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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