when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
