i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
