My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
