I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize