I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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