she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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