its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
