so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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