Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize