I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
