WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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