I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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