I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
