I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
