I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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