1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
