not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
