I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
