all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
