You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
