I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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