just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
