Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
