So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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