nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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