Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
