Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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