I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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