either way he was missing a nipple.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
