I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
