Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
third nipple confirmed
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize