He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize