my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize