It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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