cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
