he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
