first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
