his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
