At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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