Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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