theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
