I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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