There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
