Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
