Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
