every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
