wanna go halves on a baby?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize