Moan for me like Helen Keller
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize