found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
