We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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