The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize