I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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