i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
