Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
